Today is a gorgeous fall day.

I had my coffee and a bagel with butter for breakfast.

I got out and had a brisk walk this morning, and it was beautiful. There was a cute nerd in glasses reading his book while he walked, and I appreciated the eye candy.

I came home, showered, and put together a simple but delicious salad for lunch.

Then I went to Goodwill and managed to find 7 whole tops, 2-3 of which will be work appropriate (more if layered under a jacket or cardigan), all of which look good on me. One is a grey, button-down men’s shirt that was in the women’s section, and it delights my genderqueer heart that it looks good on me.

Came home.

Have been fucking depressed.

I woke up at 3:30am last night, and could not return to sleep, not even by watching the video that ordinarily puts me to sleep. Once per night only, apparently. I was dealing with anxiety until I left for my walk.

Listened to Dance With The Dead while walking, and discovered it’s the perfect amount of aggressive energy to help switch the flavor of my anxiety from flight to fight. So that was good. Enabled me to be functional enough to manage the trip to Goodwill.

But after the anxiety had diminished, depression took its place.

I tried eating a little ice cream, and was going to try starting The Expanse, but the PS4 wasn’t cooperating and I didn’t feel like fiddling with it to find out why it wouldn’t load anything.

I need to stop waking up at fucking 3:30am. No matter how healthy I’m trying to be, the less sleep I get, the harder it is to manage my moods the next day.

Doesn’t help that I’m pretty sure I’m heading into my next period. Fucking PMS.

I don’t want to feel anxious. I don’t want to feel sad. I don’t want to have trouble holding on to hope. I want to stop feeling like my life is just trudging through thick muck.

I want to sleep, and I want to sleep a full night, and I want to wake up rested, and that doesn’t seem like so much to want out of life, and yet I seem to be wanting the impossible.

I don’t want to be whining about life being hard.

I don’t want life to BE hard. At least for a little, at least long enough for me to have a proper break.

Anyway, here’s a photo I took this morning of the sun shining into this beautiful piece of broken glass.

5 thoughts on “3:30am

  1. Ditto on the photo, how lovely πŸ¦‹ so sorry to hear about the moods and the anxiety, but glad you managed to switch from flight to fight. I know that flight feeling, it’s all-consuming (quite literally, I lost five lbs recently from it) and downright terrifying. On the plus side I’m back in my favourite jeans. ;)) And finally able to tap into phone screens and make jokes about it. πŸ™‚ warrior on πŸ’ͺπŸΌπŸ’™πŸ’œπŸ’—

    Liked by 1 person

  2. For what it’s worth… I thought The Expanse was absolutely brilliant. I seem to remember feeling lost in the first few episodes, but at some point it all comes together.

    Liked by 1 person

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