The Good, the Bad, the Ugly

Starting off with the good – I had my PowerPoint workshop last night. It doesn’t seem too difficult. Most of the class involved the instructor showing us all the nifty little things that can be done and then telling us for the love of God, please don’t, less is more.

I also got confirmation that I’ve got a spot in the Excel 5 class I was invited to join, and am signed up for the Word workshop in the latter half of October. At least it will only take an extra month and not two extra months to complete the office software training I need.

I’ve lined up two references I can use on my application for a volunteer opportunity I’d mentioned a while back.

I’ve got an appointment scheduled Friday to see a new therapist. He looks like he may be a good fit for me, and he’s located in downtown Indy, which means if I go early or stay late I can wander around and get a walk in somewhere other than my usual spot.

The bad is that my sleep is still fucking crap. That 6 1/2 hours the other night made an amazing difference, especially when it came to anxiety, but the very next night it was back to 4 1/2 hours of sleep, waking up at 3:30, and today I must have been awake by 4 again.

Content note: the following could be triggering for people that have miscarried or lost a child.

The ugly – well, it’s not something directly impacting me, but it’s still a heavy thing. My oldest sister had been looking unhealthy and worn down and acting erratically earlier in the summer, and we’d been fearing a substance abuse issue. It turned out she was actually pregnant at 43. She had not even suspected it because she’d had major fertility issues. She’d had one child during her first marriage, and had wanted more with her second husband, but it never happened.

I was worried about her, and worried about the baby when I found out. I knew my sister had been having physical and mental health issues, and since she hadn’t known she was pregnant until her 2nd trimester was almost over, she was probably still smoking, using medication, etc.

My mom was over the moon about it, though. She loves babies, and was very enthusiastic about getting another grandchild. She had given birth to two healthy children in her 40s, so she waved aside concerns and seemed miffed that I didn’t respond to the news with shared enthusiasm. Knowing my mom, she almost certainly treated it like a blessing and a miracle from God.

I wish things had gone the way she pictured.

Instead, when my sister went into labor and got to the hospital, they failed to find a heartbeat. I don’t know if it was her choice or if the hospital decided to handle it this way, but they didn’t perform a C-section. She had to go through the process of labor knowing her baby was already dead. That is one of the more horrifying things I can imagine having to go through.

I’m not the type to grieve for the dead, but I grieve for the living left behind in pain.

I’m worried about what this will do to my sister. She was already struggling, already extremely stressed from dealing with family issues relating to her in-laws, and the birth of her own grandchild, and the loss of D (my dad’s late partner) at the beginning of the year.

She doesn’t have a lot of local support – the people around her have been more in need of support themselves than able to offer it. Her husband is undoubtedly going to be grieving, too, which will impact his ability to offer support.

I know she wants her baby to be laid to rest in the cemetery with D, which means I will likely be taking another trip to Tennessee when and if that’s able to be arranged. Maybe she can have an extended visit with our family at that point and be around some support.

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