I’m only just embarking on the 4th day of this week and already it feels like the longest and roughest week I’ve had in a while – er, several weeks? A couple of months? I don’t know if that’s actually the case or not, time feels a little wonky while stuck in Limbo.
I’m pretty sure what I’m experiencing is being exacerbated by my menstrual cycle. I only recently found out about how women get elevated cortisol levels in the days before their period starts. It makes sense – one of the functions of cortisol is to help with inflammation, and one of the main causes of pain and discomfort during a period is inflammation. I also just recently found out that tears help eliminate cortisol, and now PMS just makes more sense to me.
You’re more likely to get inflammation, so you’re more likely to get cortisol pumped into your system, but then your body has to get rid of the cortisol – so feeling ‘more emotional’ and maybe crying over silly things serves a specific purpose. It annoys me to think of how PMS has been presented as this biological but purposeless hysteria, or even something women just pretend is happening as an excuse to behave badly once a month.
I have to admit knowing there are physical reasons for how I’m feeling doesn’t help as much as I wish it would.
In addition to that, for so long I was the kind of person that liked the idea of having plenty of time to myself, and generally didn’t really want to be touched by anyone, and now I’m dealing with wanting companionship, wanting physical touch, and having those desires elevated during an already stressful time. Things I need that I can’t get (or at least, not get in any healthy way because I can’t get them from the source I want them from).
J, A, M and I were discussing things like relationships – all four of us have high standards, but J and A are also extremely risk-adverse, which means they rarely take any chance at all when it comes to the possibility of a romantic relationship with someone else – which is why they’re both single and have been for a while. Given their circumstances, this is completely understandable. For me, the risks aren’t likely to be the same – mostly just the possibility of emotional pain – so I said I was fine with that risk, it’s not like I don’t have experience dealing with emotional pain.
But I realized a significant problem, there – I’m willing to accept the risk of emotional pain, but what I’m not willing to do is endure being bored, and well – most people bore me. One of the things I crave the most from interactions with other people is intellectual stimulation – that they be knowledgeable and intellectually curious, and that said knowledge and intellectual curiosity play a large part in our conversations. Which means even if I am initially attracted to someone, if they turn out to be boring or prefer focusing on mundane aspects of existence, I wouldn’t be able to endure it for long, and I can’t see myself being satisfied with just physical & emotional stimulation from a partner – I would need the intellectual stimulation, too, and probably more of that than the other two categories.
So now the person I’m head over heels for is feeling particularly perfect for me – very knowledgeable, in practical and esoteric ways, so I’ve never been bored in our interactions – so far I find that if I ask them about anything, they probably know at least a little if not a lot about it. They also have the sense of humor I like best, sarcastic and morbid. Importantly, though, their intellect and wit are tempered by the fact that they’re not arrogant, but are instead kind and compassionate. And since moving to Indiana I’ve met them in person, and discovered they’ve got a whole cute, mild-mannered nerd vibe going on and that happens to be a type I like physically, too. So it’s killing me to think, based on what I know, that they will probably reject me when at some point in the future I bring up that I’d like to be more than friends.
Unfortunately from what I know about this person, if they don’t reject me based on just not being attracted to me (a perfectly valid reason to reject someone, it would hurt but I could accept it), they’ll reject me based on feeling I’m not a “logical” choice, or that I don’t fit what they think they need – and honestly, if they pursued what they think they need, they’d probably be making the same damn type of mistake I made when I chose my husband. Being smart in general doesn’t mean you’ve got necessary levels of self-awareness when it comes to decisions involving relationships. There’s a good chance aspects of their personality would be hated and lead to friction in a relationship with an average person.
It’s going to be really damn hard to find someone else that has these qualities I really want, where I’m attracted to them, and that attraction is reciprocated. Fuck me, why can’t I just be the sort of person that is easily satisfied with a reasonably decent human being as a companion? Or the type of person that just doesn’t really need or want a relationship at all? Or the type of person that is satisfied with physical intimacy and doesn’t need the intellectual and emotional connection, too?
In other words, why can’t I get what I want & need with a lot less effort and emotional pain? Because that’s the thing – I’m okay with the prospect of emotional pain if it is at least balanced out by a period of good times, first – balanced out by having experienced happiness, joy and contentment on the way to that emotional pain. I’m not okay with enduring the emotional pain of interminable loneliness with nothing to balance it out. I’m very much not okay with that. Better to have loved and lost than only to lose, so to speak.
I’m so tired of my life feeling like it’s mostly just been a long stretch of suffering and pain and not getting what I want or what I need. Where it takes so much work and effort just to not be depressed and riddled with anxiety. Where everything I do just helps keep me from falling further behind but doesn’t seem to be advancing me. Everything I pursue seems to either peter out or require an exhausting amount of effort.
Example: I was given the name of someone in Indy that might be willing to add me to their D&D game, but they never responded to the message I sent. The mutual friend that gave me their name said they’d ask them to check their filtered messages, but I still never heard back and I don’t want to bring it up again and sound like a pest. I’m risk-adverse when it comes to things like gaming – I don’t want to try a local game without some assurance the people involved aren’t going to turn out to be assholes or creeps.
When I reached out about volunteering with an organization in Indy, I found out they require an application and a couple of references and that it’s ‘competitive.’ Seems like they’re probably most interested in volunteers that have more to offer than free labor – the possibility of monetary donations, or connections to potential wealthy donors.
All of this leaves me with feelings of being frustrated, ignored and if not rejected now, set up for being rejected later. Why is this a thing? Why do I feel the pain of possible rejection now, but can’t feel the happiness of possible acceptance / good things now? Or a neutral state where I feel neither thing until one or the other actually happens?
I feel like I’m having to throw a ball of thread in front of me and then follow it until I find the ball, pick it up, and throw it again. The ball of thread might be something I need to advance a goal (attend a work shop) or a reward (spend the afternoon with a friend), but either way, I’m having to look at that particular thing and just keep putting one foot in front of another until I get there. Right now, the thing helping me keep putting one foot in front of the other are that I get to go meet my friend R in person for the first time on Sunday. I should also find out on Friday if the Excel workshop will be happening or not. In the meantime, though, I’m a ball of misery on the verge of crying and I fucking hate when I’m this way.