Trying To Be A Functional Adult Again

Simply pulling up Starbucks’ website to take a look at their application process, and pulling up my resume with an eye to update it, spiked my anxiety higher than it’s been since before I moved, leaving me feeling physically ill. I suppose the silver lining is that I’m no longer constipated!*

I sat there looking at my resume trying to think of what to put in the skills section and my brain wouldn’t provide me with much in the way of legitimate things to list. If I were being honest on my resume my skill set would look something like this:

Being pedantic, making men angry, improvising tools, compartmentalizing and repression, TMI, inappropriate humor, fast eating, daydreaming…

Right now I’d accept a trade – give up confidence in my writing in exchange for no anxiety about applications, resumes and interviews. The way I was as a teen and young adult. Full of faith in my ability to do just about any job but one that involved sales and outgoing phone calls.

I still know, rationally, that with proper training I could perform a wide variety of jobs and do so well. I have confidence in my ability to learn and be competent. Anxiety, of course, overrides rational confidence in my capacity and overwhelms with irrational terror instead.

My sister suggested I check out one of my state’s career centers, as they can give practical advice on how to reenter the job market. That seems like a reasonable step, though it will still involve anxiety. I’m going to let my anxiety wear off over the weekend and call Monday to find out if I need to schedule an appointment or if they accept walk-ins.

(Edit: thanks to writing this blog post, my anxiety reduced enough for me to be able to call the career center before they closed for the weekend, and now I’ve got a group orientation scheduled for Monday afternoon.)

My husband is trying to be helpful, by offering to call the career center for me, put me in touch with a friend of his that could look at my resume, or whatever else he can do to help, and he’s taking it a little personally that I’m rejecting his help.

It’s important to me, though, that I at least make the effort to get through this process on my own. I need to feel like I can accomplish this without having to rely on him, friends or family to get through. I just feel like it would be healthier for me not to hide behind other people’s assistance, but instead face my fears and walk through them. It’s possible I’ll be faced with the fact that the anxiety is too much for me on my own, and be forced to accept help, but I’d prefer to at least try on my own, first.

*Many people with anxiety get to experience the wonders of Anxiety Poo, even if they aren’t talking about it.

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