Fortifying

I could feel that I was slipping, this morning, feeling the clutch of depression and anxiety. It did not help that the weather outside is overcast and dreary.

Fortunately I had a therapy appointment scheduled for 11am, and I forced myself to get out the door for a walk before my appointment.

There were a couple of crows raucously calling out to other crows from the dead branches of a tree on my way out of my apartment complex. I was sad I didn’t have a better camera with which to capture them since they were posed in such a photogenic way.

I went back to the nature park I’d visited a few days ago, the one with the lake and the creek and the possible ambushes by deer. Wait, I don’t think I ever got around to writing about that walk. Oops. Anyway, pictures of the small lake, which I fell in love with because it has very clear water and I can watch the fish swimming. One from today and one from the previous visit.

On my way back I passed some beautiful red flowers (I don’t remember what type they are). I stopped to snap a picture and then mused about how red is one of my very favorite colors – I know the association is with danger, blood and passion, and that unlike blue, it is generally not a calming color, but I suspect I like it specifically because it’s visually stimulating.

On my way back I was also amused to note these two lamp posts in succession, the first of which seemed cheerily determined to help brighten a damp, dark day, and the other to grumpily reinforce it. It made me think of the contrast between certain people I know and their personalities – my sister J and friend M would be the types to think they need to continue shining brightly because the day is dreary, my friends A & H would be the curmudgeons keeping things dark because they’ve put in enough effort already.

For the record, I don’t find either type of personality to be better than the other. Sometimes the people determined to be cheery and brighten up a dreary day forget they need to rest and go dark for their own sake now and then, and sometimes those that go dark forget that sometimes they need to brighten their surroundings for their own sake.

Whatever people may think of what I write here and what I plan to do with my life, and what friends and family may come to think of me once I’ve made those plans generally known, I don’t believe in an all or nothing approach to life, but instead one which considers moderation and balance. I’ve simply been so unbalanced in one direction for so long that swinging the pendulum towards the center can seem like everything is getting dreadfully unbalanced.

By the end of the walk, I was already beginning to feel cheered up and glad I’d forced myself out of the house. When I returned home, I found that my internet service was out and had to have my therapy appointment over the phone instead of via camera & headset, but even though I’m not a huge fan of phone conversations, it did help to be able to talk about what had been happening and sum up what I’ve been learning, processing and the self-care I’ve been engaged in. I came away from the conversation feeling a little more fortified, a little more capable of thinking ‘I’ve got this.’

At least for now.