A Rant About Boredom And Love

I’m just unfocused and bored enough that I can’t focus on ways to alleviate the boredom.

I’m at the level of existential boredom where I finally joined reddit last night, spent the evening browsing and occasionally commenting on things, and am now already bored with reddit.

So now I’m here, hoping writing on my blog can help me stay focused for a little until it’s time to leave to go grocery shopping (which is also a boring prospect.)

The reason I joined reddit was because I’d been browsing askreddit and someone asked ‘how do you know you’re in love?’ and at least one of the responses was all about ‘love isn’t a feeling, it’s actions’ and that is something of a triggery topic for me now.

It’s bullshit, you see.

Being in love is about feelings, and there’s not a fucking thing wrong with that. People that talk about how ‘passion fades’ or how ‘love is an action’ fucked up my life, big time. They made it sound like you could have cake, or frosting, but not both, and that you should pick the cake over the frosting. But you can and should look for a cake with frosting. Will every bite include frosting? No, but it will add joy to your cake-eating experience. (Unless you’re part of the minority that genuinely hates frosting.)

Being ‘in love’ is a feeling created by a biochemical process, and that feeling is attempting to communicate compatibility. Sure, you shouldn’t check your brain at the door. Even if you’re compatible on one level, the circumstances of your lives and your values may mean you’re not compatible enough. But you also shouldn’t check your feelings at the door!

Learning to kindly coexist with another human being can be a stressful process. Happy chemicals help you bond and ease stress! It’s the proper tool for the job and people that want you to suppress feelings are denying you a necessary tool for functioning human existence. They’re denying you happiness and joy and setting you up for failure, for an existence where the relationship feels like drudgery and a chore instead of a healthy, nourishing part of your life!

And there is a difference between the feelings you’ll have when someone is a great friend, when someone is a beloved family member, and when you’re ‘in love’ with someone.

It’s okay to pursue happiness. It’s okay to pursue joy. It doesn’t matter if they’re temporary. The food you digest is temporary, too, but you need the nourishment for a healthy, prolonged existence. Happiness, like sleep and like food, is a legitimate need.

4 thoughts on “A Rant About Boredom And Love

  1. I sometimes wonder if it’s just that people don’t see examples of just how magical it can be when a relationship is based on love and actually works. I see so many of my friends in strong partnerships founded on love and trust, and it absolutely makes me aspire to something at least that good.

    I also know enough people who’ve been in relationships founded on ‘maybe I should just settle’, to not want that for myself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think part of it is not seeing good examples, yes, but I think another part of it is cultural narratives heavily based on elevating duty and sacrifice while pathologizing happiness, and a worship of marriage the institution – we frame marriage as more important than the people inside the marriage, so if people end up unhappily married, they’re just supposed to suck it up and stick with it and they’re deemed selfish and heartless if they choose to terminate the marriage for a chance at happiness.

      Like

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