Everything I Want

So many things were said in Sunday’s conversation with my husband that some little details had fallen by the wayside, but I remembered one just now:

He’s convinced I’ll get what I want, while he’s left with the fallout of my actions.

I didn’t even have the energy to address that in detail at the time, but I think it’s grimly amusing that both he and the therapist (and even others that are well-meaning and trying to be supportive) think a) this is about getting the life I wanted and b) that I will get the life I wanted.

I guess they haven’t stopped to think about the fact that I’ll be 39, divorced, with 4 children,* probably working at starbucks and trying to finish a 2 year degree so that maybe I can qualify for slightly better employment than Starbucks. Dealing with the aftereffects of chronic sleep deprivation, depression and anxiety even if I’ve been able to shake them by then.

That I won’t have money for travel and probably won’t have the time and energy for working on my fiction. That I’ll still be a mom that has to make sure she spends time with her children. That will be 49 by the time her youngest is 18. That I’ll probably have to uproot myself every time my husband relocates for employment and put myself through the process of finding my own employment every time, and that my feelings about the locations we end up in aren’t going to be what’s considered.

That’s not exactly freedom and it sure as hell doesn’t resemble any life I wanted when I was younger.

If I’m fucking lucky, I’ll eventually get to a place where I can have some of what I wanted in my life.

If I’m really, really fucking lucky I’ll eventually find someone I’m attracted to, that’s attracted to me, that I can have a healthy relationship with.

In the meantime, I’m still going to be dealing with a fuckton of stress, as well as guilt and feelings of defensiveness because of how society is going to perceive my choices.

But I might have times when I’m not extremely stressed, times when I can feel happy. That’s what I’m aiming for. A life where I can sometimes feel happy. (And I’ll be enduring judgment and disapproval just for that.)

My dreams – what I wanted out of life – were a little bigger than that back in the day.

Now, if the universe wants to spite my husband and make his worst fears come true by dropping everything I wanted in my lap, I’m not going to say no to that. But I may have mentioned I don’t believe in miracles.

*It doesn’t matter if I’m not the parent with primary custody, having 4 kids will still shape how I can spend my time, people’s perceptions of me, and whether or not someone wants to date me.

2 thoughts on “Everything I Want

  1. I had an experience that resonates with your husband’s inability to understand why change (good or bad) is better than more of the same interminable torpor. I saw August: Osage County with a friend, slight spoiler being that by the end of the film/play an endless cycle of negativity is broken, future uncertain.
    I left the cinema with a feeling of exhilaration, a f*** you to the universe, a knowledge that at least there was suddenly possibility, where before there had only been suffocating certainty.
    My friend, meanwhile, thought it was the most depressing thing possible, she saw only that the previous stability had been lost, for all that it was miserable.
    Maybe there are people who want to set fire to things because at least something new would be forced to arise, and then there people who think it’s worth saving even when it’s killing them.

    Liked by 1 person

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