This Problem Can’t Be Fixed (So I Won’t Even Try)

My husband and I had another conversation yesterday, surprisingly this one was more stressful in impact for him than for me.

He claimed the reason he made a separate account to transfer funds to was because I’d asked him about having his name removed from our joint account (which was my account originally.) This is something I did not do, and would not do. I probably would have made a separate, new account of my own eventually, but I’d never have asked him to remove his name from our joint account.

This is at least the third time this year that he has either claimed I said something I did not, or claimed he didn’t say something (that I remember him saying). And he seems very sincere about it. I don’t get the impression he’s attempting to gaslight me. Which, in some ways, would be the better option. Because the other option is that his mental health is in a worse state than he’s been letting on, and chronic sleep deprivation and stress may be messing with his mind to a degree he hasn’t revealed and pretends isn’t happening.

I’m trying not to think about all the ways in which things could go wrong and blow up in my face. I don’t want him to spiral out and suddenly the kids and I are on welfare and I’m pouring the last of myself into their survival.

Today he asked if I was okay, and I said I was, and asked how he was doing. His response was “I’m okay – I kind of have to be.” I told him that wasn’t true, received a bitter expression, and then I suggested he use his remaining free therapy visits to find someone new he could speak to – this time for him (instead of going because he wants to know why his wife has suddenly ‘gone crazy,’* and this was a part I didn’t say out loud).

“Well it wouldn’t help anyway, would it?” he said, with a shrug, and then left to take our daughters to a cat cafe.

Not with that attitude it won’t. This is, honestly, one of the irreconcilable differences that I had been forced to confront and that had made me believe a continued marriage was probably not a good idea, even before all of the other shit that went down.

This behavior is exactly the same as his behavior surrounding sleep. He is adamant it can’t be fixed, even as he makes absolutely no effort to try fixing it. He won’t try melatonin, he won’t try turning off his screens and switching to reading a book instead an hour before bed, he won’t try exercise before bed, he won’t try a regular sleep schedule, he lets himself take long naps at 5pm. And says nothing can be done.

I can’t spend the rest of my life with someone that has to be forced, via ultimatums, to make necessary changes to behaviors that aren’t just harmful to them, but harmful to me as well.

*When he first – and secretly – sought out a therapist, it was because he wanted to run what I was doing and saying, and his responses to me, past a therapist. Because he was genuinely mystified that I had said I couldn’t keep living with the chronic sleep deprivation and filth and that if things didn’t change, I’d have to remove myself from the environment. He thought it must all be cover for me wanting to ditch him.

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