An Assortment of Things

It amuses me when I get a like and it’s pretty clear they can’t possibly have read the post and are just hoping to generate return traffic. No, when talking about my impending divorce I do not, in fact, want to visit your wedding blog.

I scrubbed a lot of things yesterday and today I have been so. fucking. sore. because of it. I’m on my 3rd ibuprofen today, which has at least brought the pain down considerably.

I’ve been reading an askreddit thread where divorce lawyers share stories about the most outrageous cases they’ve dealt with. It’s made me feel better about my situation, while also making what my husband and I are going through and how we’re dealing with it stand out as an oddity even among all the bizarre cases mentioned.

A friend told me that I can turn off the option that shows if people are active on messenger. She said it helps her with anxiety. (I was getting anxious over the fact that it had been nearly 24 hours since I’d messaged someone and they hadn’t responded, even though they were active.) Just taking the step of controlling an anxiety-inducing trigger seems to be helping already.

My therapist wants me to start using an affirmation – telling myself as often as needed that I’m doing a brave thing and that I am a good person. I was telling her about how I have been having trouble focusing on or enjoying things that would typically be providing escape – reading, watching television, gaming, writing fiction, etc.

She thinks I’m dealing with deep-seated, unconscious guilt and a need to punish myself for what I’m doing. It’s actually a reasonable theory – ever since I was very young, I’ve had issues where if I felt I had something to confess, I would become fixated on the source of guilt to the exclusion of everything else until I did, in fact, confess to end my torment.

She also tried her best to convince me that I’ll be able to build a good social life and meet people, even potential future partners, and that she thinks people will like me. Given that there’s some evidence I’m the human equivalent of mustard and sardines on crackers (yes, there are people that like that, but they seem to be rare) I really struggle with believing her on this.

2 thoughts on “An Assortment of Things

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