Yesterday was one of those days that aren’t good or bad but are instead marked by an inability to focus, low energy, and a restless, fidgety feeling underneath it all, as if I wanted to be out doing something, but can’t for the life of me figure out what I want to be out doing.
I ended up passing the time in a largely pointless cleansing of my email inbox, seeing my sweeps reduce the count of unread emails from over 3000 to under 800. It was a little bit of a shock when I uncovered an email notification of a comment left on a post from my old blog that I started back in 2005, when I was still deeply steeped in the world of conservative Christianity.
It was on a minor anti-feminist rant I’d written. The comment was from 2017 from an anonymous source, but it was ugly and violent and sounded like angry, toxic masculinity. I realized that while I’d let the blog exist because it was an honest record of who I was as a person back then, it might continue to draw misogynists if I left it up. A friend suggested setting the blog to private if I wanted to continue to have access to the posts.
That seemed like a good idea. I wasn’t sure I could still log in, but I managed, and before I changed the settings I did some minor browsing. I discovered my journey away from conservative thought and Christianity had a more recent start than I remembered. 2011 is when I started to draw back from the blogging community I was part of. I’d gone from over 100 posts in 2010 to 60ish in 2011 and then just 6 in 2012, and my last post was in 2013, acknowledging both that the blog was dead and that I was a different person, and would likely cringe to read my old posts.
I’ve never been sorry I changed. I’ve never been sorry I left that community behind. The last 8 years have been very rough years for me to live through, but it was worth the slog to reveal the person I am, the person I want to be going forward, not the person I thought I had to be to please a fictional God – a fictional God that reflected the unloving and unlovely nature of his followers. I’ve only ever been sorry that I spent so much time steeped in beliefs that my life was worth nothing beyond the sacrifices I was willing to make.